2009年10月15日

Meaning of my life

I am socially dead. I have almost no connection to the society.
I like studying but I'm not good at working using what I learned.

I strongly feel I'm not useful. Even if I get a job and start to work, I will not be helpful.

I've tried the best to adjust myself to any workplaces. But I just can't get well along. I feel stressed out, get too nervous and finally come down with some illness.

I believe I have been well below the average in terms of intelligence. Some companies rejected me because of my lacking academic record. They are right in doing so. I don't deserve any respect that should be paid to people called SENSEI. I was lazy as a child. I didn't study at all. I was a kind of child who is out of control. My mother put all her affection to my brothers. There was no affection spared for me. She didn't love me maybe because I was too slow in reaction and too inattentive and careless in everything. I must have seemed like something very challenging to her but of no use at all. Besides, she shamed herself for giving birth to a girl. She needed only boys. She must have been fed up with me.
I grew up with little matternal affection, which, as a child, I believed I was given.

Now I'm confused becaue of the problems I feel about my competence and uncomfortable feelings about my mother's way of raising her daughter.

I'm losing the meaning of my life. Why did she give birth to me? Why am I so incompetent about working in the society?
I feel like I am useless. I'm not worth living. I don't deserve anything that exists in the world, love, respect, friendship, and even nutritions extracted from other living things.

I am meaningless.
posted by せるしん at 10:54| Comment(0) | TrackBack(0) | 今日特筆すべきこと | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする
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